I’m participating in NaNoWriMo again this year. The project I’m working on is strongly related to the one I wrote last year so I was poking through last year’s file to find a character’s name, actually, when I came across something that made me laugh. I didn’t laugh in the “OMG that is SO funny!” kind of way, nor was it the “I need to laugh or I’m going to cry” kind of way… but it was something smack dab right in the middle of those two things.

What I found, right in the middle of my NaNoWriMo project from last year was this (edited for length and secrecy):

Why is today so hard?

I got a really good sleep last night and then I opened up my email and there was good news there–Book Bub Deal!! Whoot! And also there was evidence of all the hard work I’ve been doing over the past months and years. There were story submissions and edits, and copy edits and updates on the project I’ve a novel contracted to and… fuck. It shouldn’t be this hard. On a day when all the mail is good, when there’s evidence that I’m doin’ it right–editing, writing, publishing. When my Facebook messages are filled with .gifs from Dani that scream about the positive relationship we have, and…

Why is it so hard?

Today of all days?

Why am I sitting at my computer with burning eyes trying not to cry?

Is it because of the debate/discussion/argument/whatever on my Facebook page about the new cabinet? That thing has spawned so many threads and tangles and tendrils that I can’t even begin to keep track of it anymore. But surely it’s not that, debate, discussion, these are good things. Healthy things.

Is it because of the deadlines that are looming over my head like a Greek (Damocles was Greek, right?) guy’s sword? That wouldn’t make much sense, really. Last month was the crazy one for deadlines. This month I’ve only got…. well, there are a few but the Chimera timetable is my own, so it’s not completely inflexible, and we’re at the final stages of [Pen Name Project]–though I sure do wish everyone would get me their contracts so we could make announcements and stuff, and [author] has [Novel my alter ego edited] now, so that’s totally out of my hands…

Maybe it’s the blog tour. Maybe that wasn’t such a great idea, especially as something I’d have to put together in November, NaNoWriMo month….

Or–and this is probably it–maybe it’s the fact I, for some god awful reason, thought it would be a good idea to do two NaNoWriMos. Two. Including one that is non-fiction–which, by the way, I’m going to find some way to count these words toward. What was I thinking? Holy shit.

I can totally catch up on [Pen Name]’s NaNo word count, I think I’ll even manage to pull off a win there… but then, of course, that just gives me a bunch more stories of hers that need to be edited [Redacted because boring and rambling]

…but December is also royalty month and there ought to be something there for me, if only from FAE. Plus, I’ll get a chance to see how the other two books are doing–

Maybe this is the thing. I say stuff like, “I can handle anything except uncertainty” but I live in a world of uncertainty. I mean, we all do, really, but perhaps people who do what I do have got a bit more of it than the average bear. Between the uncertainty of whether something will be accepted, or well-received, or sell or whatever… and the uncertainty of paying my expenses, and the un–

Nah. I think that’s a cop out.

I think, really, I’ve just taken on too much. Again.

I don’t just have a pen name with [redacted], I have a whole other identity. I’m trying to be two people at the same time, but I’m just one. Just one body. Just one brain. Just one lifetime. The obvious answer would be to cut back there, give her less time in my day, but I really LIKE her, I like the work I do as her. But I like Rhonda too…

I guess I’ll have to try and cut back on commitments. I can be two people if both of those people aren’t trying to be human dynamos. Next year should be a bit more sane in regard to things (though I probably said that last year, too, didn’t I?). But next year I only have [Redacted], Sirens, [Redacted], [Redacted]–

Oh my God. It’s freaking crazy.

Okay. No more new things.

All those projects on my white board? They are just going to have to stay there as ‘Future’ projects until I get something done and out the door. No. Two somethings. For every two somethings I clear completely off my list (that means published and the initial burst of promotion done) I can consider starting a new thing.

If I’m not feeling overwhelmed.

If my brain isn’t reminding me of the confetti that is falling on my screen right now*.

Then I can take on something new.

So why is today so hard? Who knows. Does it matter? Probably not. Just pick something you can do, and do it. Keep plodding away at writing things, working toward those NaNo goals because at least that’s a thing you can cross off your list when you’re done.

Control what you can, and let go what you can’t. Oh. And make all of this some sort of weird internal monologue for [Character] so that you can count it toward your NaNo goal. It’s a bit cheaty, but fuck it. Quantity over quality, right? That’s the motto.

Yeah.

The struggle is real, dudes. And the more things change the more they stay the same… LOL

*I was typing on a webpage that put celebratory confetti all over your screen once you hit your word goal for the day